Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[looking at pics]
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
*uses ipad as a phone* Hey look at me i’m a hobbit