@nbadag

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

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@pleatedjeans

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

@TheRolo

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

@AndrewChamings

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

@marthasa1

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

@elizaskinner

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

@Diversion50

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

@withanewname

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?