HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.