HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.