Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
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ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy