Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
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Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours