Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
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Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Imma just leave this here…………
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.