Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Otters drive ottermobiles.

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science