Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you