Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office