Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.