Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.