Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

🐥🐣

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.