Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

the clam before the storm

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”