Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

oh she’s cooked

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”