Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.