Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers