Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
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A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Anime is real
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
just make the entire table out of coaster
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.