Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different