Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
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Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.