Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
You Might Also Like
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
🗽
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.