Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.