Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to