HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
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My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
no cat here
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?