Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?