Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

She might be a genius

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check