Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.