her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
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My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
No one :
Me when I swimming :
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”