her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
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Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!