Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today