Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.