Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
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If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.