Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl