Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

I’m having an out of money experience.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep