Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
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If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
“what that mouth do?” complain
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.