Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

General: We need aerial support now!

Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.