Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.