her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
ugh not again
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires