Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.