her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
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Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
12. I think about this all the damn time
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.