Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
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Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.