Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
You Might Also Like
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review