Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

These dogs look like they have good credit.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.