Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
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This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
We decided to have money instead of children.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.