HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
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Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
🐟✨ #re4
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.