Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

Voting is the worst group project

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

(Jupiter –

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.