HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
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My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?