@dave_cactus

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

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@tastefactory

DOCTOR: Here’s some medicine, for your well-being.
GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being

@Scimommy

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

@Parkerlawyer

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

@joeljeffrey

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

@LuckoftheDraw86

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

@AceMakesWords

“Easter?” HERE
“Thanksgiving?” HERE
“Christmas?” PRESENT

@mrsauntiepam

Maybe EXACTLY what I want is for my pizza to be touched, Dominoes. Maybe it’s been a long damn time since anyone has touched my pizza.