HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

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DOCTOR: Here’s some medicine, for your well-being.
GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being


90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.


If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.


I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.


“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”


“Easter?” HERE
“Thanksgiving?” HERE
“Christmas?” PRESENT


Maybe EXACTLY what I want is for my pizza to be touched, Dominoes. Maybe it’s been a long damn time since anyone has touched my pizza.