Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Do not steal food from the science building!

become ungovernable

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style