Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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#polloftheday
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
went fishing caught a bass
then why did i get this email
in the ocean
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.