Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.