Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
sigh
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.