HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
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*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*