Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.