Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

my friends: omg how are you!

me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)