Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.