her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
my nickname in college
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?