her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
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Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
me after eating Cheetos
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know