her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
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Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”
1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.