her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I told my vodka about you.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
this FaceApp is creepy af
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.