her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.