Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.