Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

It’s an epidemic…

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.