Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
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Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.