Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
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ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
yes… yes…
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
All right then, keep your secrets
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Important reminders
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
long lost
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one