Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉