Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Morning all.

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up