Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Bear knowledge

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*