@truegritrumble

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

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@SharkJelly

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

@ItsSamG

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

@Darlainky

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

@alexisthenedd

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

@9to5Life

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

@AIMMadellynne

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers..

If you do find one…

What’s your plan?

@swiftenhaal

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

@Playing_Dad

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”