Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

choose your fighter

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.