Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
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Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
January has been Januweary
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)