Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
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I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
*files a restraining order against reality*
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.