@CyberneticTiger

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

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@pleatedjeans

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

@Dawn_M_

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

@PinkCamoTO

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

@daemonic3

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

@JessObsess

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

@Notoliviasteel

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

@CodyJP9412

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

@graceful_asfuck

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

@Marlebean

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.