Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
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I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.