Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.


In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.


How about Amazon starts using gargoyles for clothes models so I know what it will look like on me


Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol


Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”


Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.


Her; My phones dead let me use yours

Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home


STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all


I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.


I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.