@CyberneticTiger

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

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@rachelle_mandik

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

@fmanjoo

In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.

@brittwastaken

How about Amazon starts using gargoyles for clothes models so I know what it will look like on me

@pilau

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

@EndhooS

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

@sixfootcandy

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

@thatUPSdude

Her; My phones dead let me use yours

Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home

@TheRolo

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

@KentWGraham

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

@ItsAndyRyan

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.