Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Regular or Asian?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
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When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.