Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣