HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
You Might Also Like
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”